It has been forever and 54 dreams since i have posted here. I have been thinking a lot about somthing for the past few weeks. My daddy and the life lessons he teaches me. I have been thinking of one in paticular though. Not too long ago I sold my truck to my brother and had a car all lined up and ready to go. A friend had told me that his friend was selling her car and so we got in contact. I met up with her one day to just go over and look at the car with my daddy. Well it was a little rough around the edges looked great on the inside we started it up to here the engine and then talked to her about the price that she was selling checked it out on kelly blue book and asked her to come down from her $1800 to $1200. I told her I would call her later and come back by and see the car at her house. I went with a friend, I had the cash in hand and was ready to make the deal and had been told not to budge. So I didn't, niether did they the girls mom came out and the girl seemed very sweet from what we had seen so far there seemed to be no issues really with the car only a few minor details with the exterior and if you know me, you know I could really care less and sometimes I like it when my car has a little bit of personality to it. I got a call about 2 hours later saying she would take the deal and I could come pick it up tomorrow night. My mother and I went to her house to get the car the next night I was so excited I was so tired of my gas hog and just ready for somthing knew. I have her the money she gave me the keys. I started up the car and see my mom sitting in the car. She had run out of gas, so unfortanitley we would have to run back out to her house. I let the girl no and started to drive off. While driving away my mom said the car is really loud. I was annoyed because I didn't want any issues and I trusted the girl when she said there were no issues I told this to my mother and she asked my if I had test driven it. Well no, no my dumb self never thought to and hadn't been asked until just then and I was immediatiley mad at myself. I proceded to call the girl I had just bought the car from. She said it was a loud muffler and I believed her, why lie, why would someone lie? My mom immediatlley said there is no way that could be the muffler.
Lesson 1 out of this big lovely mess, don't be dumb test drive the freakin car.
Now I will fastforward and I get to the nest lesson I learned.
My daddy drove back out with me to pick up their car, when we got there I went to talk to the girl that sold me the car. She was a sweet girl, big smile, chatty and seemed very honest and sincere. I told her the issue and we talked about just trading back right then. She stated the car was a good car and stated I could either trade my money back for the car right then or I could take it to a shop tomorrow and if there were any major issues with it I could bring it back. I asked her to hang on while I went and talked to my daddy. My daddy said I should just take my money and go, that car felt so good and it had a radio and I simply wanted it though. I told her I would take it to the shop and if there were any issues we would trade it back the next day.
Lesson 2 listen to your parents 9 times out of 10 THEY ARE RIGHT!
Now I will fast forward and tell you that I took it the shop the next morning only to find out that the wheel bearing was all out of whack and worse than that a gas leak. OH JOY, this is the first moment I realized I should have just listened to my daddy but I was happy the girl had given me the out so I called her and she told me I could head out there and we could trade back.
My daddy went with me. We pulled up to the girls house and she wasn't outside, her parents were though, or I guess her mom and the mom's boyfriend I thought it was wierd that they hadn't helped the girl with any of this and I guess now they were going too.
They were both sitting there smoking their cigs. I walked up and told them about the deal the girl and I had, and that there were bigger issues with the car than I had been told. The man replied that the deal was sold as is while smoke poured out of his mouth with these words. Thats ok I thought she gave me her word. She hadn't been honest so I don't know why I exactly that her word would have mattered, but I also thought well surley her the adults leading her through life care that she be a woman of her word and dignity, even though I was stupid and I didn't listen to my parents hopefully there is nothing left for me to learn here, and they let me drive out her and waste gas, surely people are good, they wouldn't.
My dad spoke the deal again in soft bold quiet words. The words the man knew to be true. He said well you should have test driven it....EWWW burn he was right but people should be honest was all I kept thinking. My dad turned to me and said well you have a car. He was humble and walked away with dignity and honor and honesty. He walked away right as did I. I was irate and I had a million things I wanted to say to that man sitting there smoking the cigarette as I know did my daddy. I learned somthing from that moment more than any of these other lessons though.
Lesson 3 How lucky am I to have a dad who loves me enough to let me learn my lessons but still be there for me. My dad has taught me to be a woman of my word, to be honest. He has taught me how to live my life as a respected woman. Im not there yet by any means, im only 20 and I still think sometimes that I have all of the answers. Im so proud to have the daddy I have, he is there and always offering me advice and always there when I don't take it. My daddy does not fix things for me, he does better he gives me the tools and resources to fix my mistakes so I have learned the impact of a conciquence. My daddy has also taught me that concequences don't have to be bad, that they can be good but to know they always exist. My dad has taught me to love and embrace life and never use anything as a crutch but to use it as a tool to better myself.
Thank you dad for loving me enough not to take the easy way out and just fix things. I am so much better for the way you have taught me and loved me and so very lucky to have you as my dad. You are my favorite daddy and I promise you would be if I had 20 million more.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
here comes goodbye/ i told you so.
She went running, racing as far away as she could get from her present hoping to find a better one. From Texas to Michigan she didn't want to go but she knew it was the only way it would really be over would be if she left. It had been a good 6 months that she had been "single" if thats what you call it. Jake had just kept calling and then playing her off to be insane like she was following him around like some lost puppy. Insane, yes...following him around no, she was just there whenever he called her to come over and play his game so she could feel happy when she was with him, but then in the process of walking out of his house she felt more alone. It hadn't been like it was before. He littereally only called her over for one thing. He had a new girlfriend that he was with 2 weeks after their FIVE YEARS of being together. She felt sick, like all those years of standing by him taking all the emotional abuse, telling herself it was just a phase he was going through. The phase never got better, she completley blamed herself.
Now it was "over" though, as over as it could be after all that time. She burried herself in everything left the world had to offer her. She had just moved back in with her parents trying to get back on her feet because everything just seemed to be falling apart at once. Nothing, no matter how good it got, fixed what she had felt though. That boy had broken her. She gave him her very soul and got left with nothing it was gone, she was gone, she was dead, trying to seem alive to the world. She had completley become someone else for him. Left with absolutley nothing. Not even a broken heart, you wouldn't know that you were looking at the same girl that had once believed so much in love and everything good. That no matter how bad this girl at one point just didn't care she had pure joy even in her darkest moments. Not anymore, he took that, she didn't know if he had meant to or not. Either way he took that and he to just left it somewhere, that girl was forever lost. She was NEVER going to be the same again.
The very last time she saw Jake she was at a friends, just trying to be ok with life and what it was and was finding happy moments occasionally.
He called her "Hey do you have a sec?"
"No, I told you im done with this seriously please leave me alone." she spoke but her feelings totally contradicted her feelings. "Maybe he still cares. I just hope that he does." So she stayed on the phone to hear what would probably only hurt her that much more.
"Look, I really need to talk to you, you don't have much of a choice just one second ok." He demanded.
"Margaritte, I'll be back inside one second, Im gonna see what he has to say." I told her as I muted the phone, she knew how this game went as well as I did by now, she had seen him come back and then shove me away over and over. She gave me a look that told me to just stop but she knew I wouldn't. Margaritte always excepted me for exactly who I was, every inch of my chaos. I rolled my eyes like I didn't want to hear what he had to say but I could hardly stand it.
"Onc sec, ok." she snapped back at Jake, she didn't want him to think for one second that I really cared what he had to say. As she stepped outside, it was what would have been one of the perfect nights they used have just sit on her roof laying there talking about everything they had been best friends. The very best, they made the world jealous with what they had, all she could do everyday was question what happened, what went wrong, and why why why over and over again. She coud never get it out of her head.
She took a deep breath, a week ago she had probably just destroyed the new relationship that she had started up, not that she was sorry. She couldn't help but go to him in the past when he had called her she was wanting him to so badly be with her that she didn't care how much she "caused" him to cheat on her. Yes, of course she hated the fact that she was now the "other" girl, but if you think about it, doesn't matter if your the one dating someone or not, if there are two girls three, four, however many doesn't matter, if that there is more than one involved, you are the other girl. She just felt she had more right to him than her, after all she had been there and put up with all of his crap, day in and day out, "standing by him." She was there everytime he needed her and always waiting until he came back.
A week ago he had called her yelling at her playin another one of his pathetic little games because she had stopped by like his house like she said he was and his precious little toy (her, the "other girl") had been there, she sat outside and finally decided to talk to him, she knew it would tick him off but she couldn't take it anymore, she knew the power he had given her and she decied to use it. She threatened to tell him she would tell her if she didn't get what she went, well he made her mad enough the day she called so she did it. She messaged his new toy everything that had happened the past few months between then while he was pretending to be mister perfect to her. She even told her that one of the nights she had stayed the night that she had take the "toy's" toothbrush and proceded to scrub Jakes toliet with it. She was sure she had used it. Yes she knew that was wrong but at the moment she just couldn't help herself. The day she had done that and went and told Margaritte, she actually laughed and Jake and the "toy" had been so awful so she didn't really fell too bad. Needless to say after telling "jay leno" everything Jake pretty much hated her, and this was her goal in telling her, it was the only way he would really leave her alone, or so she had thought.
"What is so important Jake? I really thought you wouldn't be calling me anymore." She barked.
"Well I talked to my dad today. I want you to come over here tonight and take a pregnancy test." He ordered her once again.
Oh my God, was it never going to end, or was it just never going to be normal again. She really was starting to get rid of the roller coaster with him. She just wanted him to come hold her and say how sorry he was and love her like he used to. "Jake if I am I will let you know but Im not coming out there, it's late and Im busy!" she said as confidently as she could she really didn't feel like driving all the way out to Crosby.
"Lauren, you really don't have a choice. Im tired of all of this too, that's why I just want it taken care of tonight, Ashlei is going to give me another chance and I just want to know I can completly move on." He stated.
She was irate, how in the hell could she stay with him after all that, apperently she was just pathetic as she was and she suddelnly realized he might have found someone that might put up with more than she. Had that ever happened in the first month of them being together she never would have stayed with him. Also on that same note she would have never dated a guy that had just ended that serious of a relationship. As far as she thought rebound girl "No thank you!"
She smirked, "Ya ok let me just come over there because you say so, " she didn't want to talk to him anymore to hear that he was trying to go and be good for her that's what he was suppose to do for me she thought, screw it, "no actually, im gonna go and enjoy my night and don't call back, I will call you if there is anything you should be concerned about. However you told me if I ever was you didn't want anything to do with me anyways, NO thank you Jake and goodb...
Jake rushed his reply before she could finish and disconect, " My dad is going to call your parents and state his concern with the issue, so if you aren't going to deal with this with me, you will with them." He knew how much she had disapointed her parents with all her dumb mistakes with him and her life, and he really didn't care anymore what they thought of him.
Crap, maybe he's kidding, "You lie, I know you Jake you lie." What if he wasn't?
He knew what she was thinking, "Im not, this is your one chance, let's just finish this Lauren."
If he was telling the truth she just knew that she didn't want to disapoint her parents again, she had already done that enough and just because she wanted him so bad.
"Fine! Seriously, you play any games at all Im leaving, I really can't take this anymore." she meant it. She really wanted to be done with the games and she knew he wasn't going to be with her. He had used her as much as he wanted and now was nothing more he needed to make sure he left it and not it leaving him. Deep down to him that's what she knew this was all about.
She ran in and told Margaritte and told her she would just see her tomorrow, she knew after leaving there that night she was going to be a mess and didn't want anyone to have to deal with it anymore. Driving over there she just kept thinking about how it was suppose to be. Her phone rang another random number, probably Jake again.
"Hello." She answered politley just incase she was wrong, well she was wrong, but it was worse, it was his toy.
"Ya is this Lauren?"
"Yes who is this?"
"Ashlei."
"Oh?"
"I was just calling to say that I don't understand why you have done this?"
"It took two, and let me just say that Im on my way to see him right now, and im ready for another game for him to tell him everything he wants me to hear so he can keep me around in case you don't work, dude we were together forever and you expect it to just end like that, and he called me. Ya im sorry your hurt, because I know it sucks to be cheated on."
Lauren really didn't remember much of what she said because she really didn't care. She was hurt. It wasn't the girls fault, it was all Jake, didn't matter if she was a toy or not, didn't matter how nice or how rude she was, the girl had never promised her anything. Only Jake, and he broke everything. Why she ever believed him she didn't know.
She pulled up to the Whataburger where they would meet and waited he would be there any second, she had driven so fast trying to calm down. Not the best idea but being on the phone with that girl did definitley not help the situation and now she was even more upset.
She saw that black toyota pull up next to her rental, she had finally calmed herself down but she was irate. He walked over to her door and opened it.
"Let's go to Wal-mart."
"Fine but your buying it." She snapped back to his demand.
He walked her over to her "old seat" on the passenger side, she knew it wasn't hers anymore, no matter how bad she wanted it to be. He opened the door and she climbed in as she just kept wondering how all of this was going to go down. She knew this was going to be the last time. Her mind was made up.
"So how have things been?"
"Small talk? Really Jake?"
He knew she hated it and esspecially from him. She knew he also didn't know what to say because he could tell she was mad enough that almost anything he said would set her off. He knew she was fighting it.
Every second with him she grew more angry with him. For all the hurt she felt, nothing would ever chagne. She hated it. He pulled into a spot and parked.
"Im waiting in the car, your the one that wants this so you can take the walk of shame alone." She barked at him.
"Ok."
He hopped out of the car and sitting there in the passenger seat somthing caught her eye. A picture, for a moment she thought it was him and her. It had been one of their "aniverseries" now that just seemed dumb, but they had taken a picture in a booth with a random "I LOVE YOU" banner and a heart around it she had always thought it was a cheasy background. He was wearing his stupid cowboy hat, she didn't mind that it was dumb because he loved it, and a jacket, and she was in a tank top. They had spent that night just running around hopping on and off the kiddy train when the guy wasn't looking. They had run back in the telling kissing and holding hands. She would watch him play the arcade games while he tried to win her one of those dumb prizes, to her the prize was dumb, the memory was not. Back then all he wanted to do was constantly show her off and please her. She snapped out of her memory to realize one major difference in this picture, it wasn't her, it was the toy. He was wearing everythign the same same banner, but with her! She hopped out of the car grabbed the picture ripped it up and threw it on the floor board of his truck and she started walking back to her car. Jake must have heard the car door slam and knew the sound of the slam enough to know it was her because within seconds he had jerked the car in front of her demanding her to get in.
"What in the hell are you doing?" he demanded?
"Im going to wait in my car, I will meet you there!"
"No your not get in Lauren." he demanded in one of his sweet voice like it was somthing that would protect her if she obeyed. He must have seen the picture and realized that had hurt or he wouldn't be being so nice because she had gotten in the way of somthing he wanted or slowed it down for the moment, but only because she wasn't still sitting in the car like he had wanted her to be.
"Jake," she had calmed down the tone in her voice " I just really need to cool off ok, this sucks, I don't even want to be here, Im hurting. Let me just say really nice picture by the way. I don't know if you put that there on purpose and I don't even know if you know but we had one just like that, not that you care anymore, but dangit really? Just let me walk to my car ok." she pleaded with him.
"Get in the car! I will be right back! We aren't playing these games!" he was angered in not getting the answer he wanted from her and her stuborness with him and she knew it wasn't worth the argument and knew if she just didn't get in the thing would blow even more out of proportion than it had. She did know she wasn't going to be happy about it. he was pissing her off more and more by the minute.
"Fine! Just hurry please! I want to go and get the hell away from you." she stabbed. He parked his car there and got out and again and she waited and shoved the rest of the pictures of the toy in the glove-box. She wondered if he could feel even one inch of the pain she felt if he would stop barking at her and just love her like he used to. She really did whatever he wanted, she did nothing but try and make him happy when they were together they would flirt and laugh and tickle when he would come and spend time with her and not be drunk it would be perfect. Unfortanitley she had slowly become only a small piece of his life and that was the her part. All of his friends were new, he had a new job. It was like he was 19 about to be 40 with all this wisdom that he thought he had. He was so cocky.
Things had definitley changed. There was a day when he wouldn't not have barked at her if she would have wrecked his truck. He used to go around showing her off to everyone. She was his prize. She was amazing really, your all american girl, she loved everyone to the very depth of her soul, and she picked him out of all of those boys chasing after her. He knew he was lucky, but somwhere down the road somthing got in the way.
She remembered sitting at the house with him one night. He was going through her phone and looked at her and grinned his obnoxious grin. She was instantly excited to be getting attention from him. She looked at what he was doing it was a picture of them. He didn't take pictures with him anymore. She wished he did. He had his finger over the delete button and he would do it just to be funny.
"Jake really don't, you don't take pictures with me hardly at all anymore and I love that one." I pleaded
He did it She was so mad she hopped up and stormed off so they wouldn't fight. Before she knew it she was being jerked down to the ground by her hair. He was irate and she didn't know what to do. She tried to pull away and immediatley regreted that. He started swinging her around like a rag doll by her hair she thought her neck was going to break. All she could do was cry the more she fought it the worse it got. He stopped and she scooted over to the corner.
"What in the heck!" she was thinking "Why why why is he doing this, where is my Jake? God where is he I want him back! GOD WHERE ARE YOU! I want my life back, what is this crap!"
Jake sat there for a moment maybe in shock of what he had done or just who even knows. He watched her for a moment. She got up defeated not angry and started to walk away. He grabbed her gently and swept her up off her feet and held her. In her mind for a moment he loved her again. He was her protector again. She always knew if anyone ever tried to hurt her if she was with him, they wouldn't be able to if he got ahold of them. She trusted him with her whole being. Too much.
"Baby Im sorry. I love you so much Im so sorry!" He pleaded with her.
"It's ok I love you too." She laid there still defeated not knowing what was going on, insane with pain, just praying that this moment of peace and love and him being there not go away.
Her thoughts disapeared as the door opened and she quickly wiped her tears before he had a chance to see.
"Im going to watch." He stated. He had a reason to want to she told him back when they broke up six months ago that she had a test say no that he saw and told him she dipped it in water when she saw it just so she could see him again. However this was not that she didn't even want to be here. He was dumb if he didn't know that because she had told "jay leno" everything. She knew there was no point in argueing with that she clearly always lost with him because she was too tired to fight right now. She really just wanted this to all be done.
"Whatever, so Ashlei called my on my way here. I guess she's just as much of a fool as I am." She stabbed hoping the cut down on herself would make him feel like a bigger jerk.
"I don't know, I know im lucky to be getting another chance and Im not going to mess it up." He said sweetly, " Im sorry Lauren."
Ouch she thought, "Why does he have to be like that tonight. Really it wouldnt' matter what he said it would still hurt." Even if he begged her back tonight as much as she wanted to be with him she couldn't tie anything down to him, she would love to give him the chance to prove it though, She just knew she didn't want to leave him tonight like this, no answers, everything had happened so fast. She just felt like leftovers and sloppy second to the world now because she wasn't good enought to fight for but for some reason "Jay leno" was good enough.
"Ok be quiet, so my dad doesn't wake up." He stated
"Oh my God, Jake , you lied."
"Well your here now, hurry up."
There was no point in throwing more of a fit, he had already bought the test now, and she was too tired, he knew it. It didn't matter. Part of her didn't care anymore. It was her last few moments with him. She was going to get some answers.
They sat there and turned the water on other than the rushing water they were now just waiting on her to pee on the stupid stick. She did and they sat there for three minutes both praying for a negative. Him praying so he could move on and be done with her and her praying because she never wanted him to be trapped with her and she wanted someone that wouldn't be so wishy washy with kids. She thought he would make a terrible dad. All he kept mentioning before was if she was she would have no choice but to get an abortion and she couldn't do that she woudnl't be able to live with herself, and she didn't want to fight him either.
He wouldn't let her see the test. He was flirting when he did this, or maybe trying to be nice, but he used to do back when things were good and when he was flirting with anything he would jokingly say "you'll jynx it!"
He sat there holding it from her, he just wanted to see it first.
"Yes!" He whispred as he grabbed her and hugged her. A part of her heart sank this was it he would now be ready to get out of here, she was happy that they wouldn't have this crazy life. She still however wanted him to be her hero again to sweep her off her feet, tell her sorry. Yes he had hurt his new toy, but he hurt me worse. The toy couldn't love him like she had. She loved him, she wished she didn't then this ache would just go away. She grinned at him. They stepped outside and were about to get in his truck and he was going to take her to her car. He stopped and knealed down and started to cry.
"Lauren Im so sorry. I really am." breifly through tears. He stood up and opened her door. She climbed in and began to cry. He got in the car, and she didn't hide it this time. There was no point, they had been best friends, lovers everything, and now they might as well be enemies.
"What's wrong?" he was done crying.
"Jake, Im sorry, doesn't fix it she gets you, that sweet guy that you started to be. Why not me, I mean i really don't get it. I have been there, this isn't just some fling your throwing away here. It hurts, it never goes away, I have no one, no one to distract me from anything, the second I am alone it consumes me. Sometimes I want to be alone so I can actually break down and cry. I lost everything. You were my best friend, one day it's like you just stopped, and then you would show me a little love, just enough to keep me around. You told me everyday no one loved me but you, I believed it, but where are you now? Where Jake, where?" she cried through sobs.
He pulled into Whataburger.
"Come on, let me walk you to your car." he said it like he was taking care of her, she knew he was just getting rid of her, he knew how to handle her. He would leave her completly broken by the time this was done. He was about to be sweet, really sweet, so she would be left feeling like the witch and he was just some big super hero.
He took her to her door opened it up, as he walked around she turned the car on, expecting he was just going to give a hug and be on his way. He opened her door and sat down reached over and pulled her onto his lap. She didn't fight it she wanted it. She wanted him to love her so badly that at any moment that she felt love from him, she could never walk away from it. She knew she still wanted him, he would have to treat her right though, and she knew it couldn't happen over night they would have to start over.
"Jake, I promise you one day you will regret this. I probably shouldn't tell you this, " she was speaking slowly like she was talking to her best friend again and like she knew he was about to quit being dumb, you could tell the hurt was deep she wasn't trying to hide it anymore," I can't be with you right now, but if you ever want to be with me again you need to be done with Ashlei now, do you really want to let everything go with us. If I leave here tonight, this is it. I can't do this anymore Jake it already hurts bad enough without you playing these games with me. If you ask me not to go to Michigan, I will stay her in Texas. I will but only if you are gonna fight for me. Otherwise this is it."
She rested against is chest while she waited for his response. It really didn't matter what he said. She was ready for the no, she knew it would be a no. This had been the most strung out awful break up.
"Lauren I, I love you, I just can't. Me and you have tried. It didn't work."
She smirked, "I tried, you gave up when things got hard, I just don't get whats wrong with me and what makes her so great? Do you love her?"
"No of course I don't?"
It didn't make anysnse for her to see someone fight for someone he didn't love and not for her. He never fought for anything when it got hard though. Jake had never been one of those stand up for what you beleive in thing guys. Lauren had always been easy, any guy would have been lucky to have her. She got along great with everyone and was happy, even when she wasn't happy she was happy for those she loved.
"Lauren I love you, but we are young, and all we know is each other."
She just kept thinking whats so wrong with that.
"Im sorry, I really am."
As he held her the next song on the cd came on. "I told you so" by Carrie Underwood. Jake reached and turned it up.
"Maybe this is how it will be with us one day Lauren maybe your right. I just can't."
Lauren simply stated "Then will be to late."
"I hope not if your right."
She thought how could someone want me for later just not now, leave me to be hurt and all alone, but she knew at that moment, Jake knew she was probably right even though, she didn't know anymore. She was so exhaugsted she felt like she had been run over by a train.
"Lauren I've got to go." he held up his phone, it was Ashlei,
"Ya." He answered.
"Look im talking to her, I will call you when I get home, we need this ok, Ok talk to you later."
Jake reached down and kissed her forhead. Another train just ran over her. It was like he was dead to her. Her best friend, dead, but it almost hurt worse because he was right there in front of her in that moment. The goodbye that was about to happen haunted her. The now didn't matter anymore because it was already done.
"I love you I always will."
"Jake please hold me for one more minute, ok, just do that."
"Ok."
They listened to the rest of the song as tears tracked down her face.
"I love you Lauren, we will still be friends, we will message each other on facebook."
She was going to be moving to Michigan.
That gave her hope for a moment, but then she stopped. She could never just be friends with him, at least not anytime soon. She new that, she agreed but she knew it would only be a matter of time before she would block him.
"Ya ok." She managed a smile.
"I love you, " he whispered in his ear as he squeezed her "you are going to find someone amazing someday."
Another tear streamed down her face. She wanted him to be happy so badly she just had always thought happy included her.
"I love you too." wasl all she could say.
She kissed him on the cheek knowing it would be the last time, but she wanted to.
"Bye Jake."
She didn't look at him as he climbed out. She was aching. This was it. She watched him get in his truck out of the corner of her eye as she slowly reversed. She watched him pull out in her rearview mirror as she headed the other direction, wondering if he was watching her too, it hurt to watch. It felt like watching someone you love die. You couldn't help but watch though. Her entire body ached but she knew that there was nothing she could do. "It is what it is." she thought. Somehow those words didn't help but she beleived if she told herself that enough it would get better. That and lots more. But that was goodbye and still nothing made sense.
Now it was "over" though, as over as it could be after all that time. She burried herself in everything left the world had to offer her. She had just moved back in with her parents trying to get back on her feet because everything just seemed to be falling apart at once. Nothing, no matter how good it got, fixed what she had felt though. That boy had broken her. She gave him her very soul and got left with nothing it was gone, she was gone, she was dead, trying to seem alive to the world. She had completley become someone else for him. Left with absolutley nothing. Not even a broken heart, you wouldn't know that you were looking at the same girl that had once believed so much in love and everything good. That no matter how bad this girl at one point just didn't care she had pure joy even in her darkest moments. Not anymore, he took that, she didn't know if he had meant to or not. Either way he took that and he to just left it somewhere, that girl was forever lost. She was NEVER going to be the same again.
The very last time she saw Jake she was at a friends, just trying to be ok with life and what it was and was finding happy moments occasionally.
He called her "Hey do you have a sec?"
"No, I told you im done with this seriously please leave me alone." she spoke but her feelings totally contradicted her feelings. "Maybe he still cares. I just hope that he does." So she stayed on the phone to hear what would probably only hurt her that much more.
"Look, I really need to talk to you, you don't have much of a choice just one second ok." He demanded.
"Margaritte, I'll be back inside one second, Im gonna see what he has to say." I told her as I muted the phone, she knew how this game went as well as I did by now, she had seen him come back and then shove me away over and over. She gave me a look that told me to just stop but she knew I wouldn't. Margaritte always excepted me for exactly who I was, every inch of my chaos. I rolled my eyes like I didn't want to hear what he had to say but I could hardly stand it.
"Onc sec, ok." she snapped back at Jake, she didn't want him to think for one second that I really cared what he had to say. As she stepped outside, it was what would have been one of the perfect nights they used have just sit on her roof laying there talking about everything they had been best friends. The very best, they made the world jealous with what they had, all she could do everyday was question what happened, what went wrong, and why why why over and over again. She coud never get it out of her head.
She took a deep breath, a week ago she had probably just destroyed the new relationship that she had started up, not that she was sorry. She couldn't help but go to him in the past when he had called her she was wanting him to so badly be with her that she didn't care how much she "caused" him to cheat on her. Yes, of course she hated the fact that she was now the "other" girl, but if you think about it, doesn't matter if your the one dating someone or not, if there are two girls three, four, however many doesn't matter, if that there is more than one involved, you are the other girl. She just felt she had more right to him than her, after all she had been there and put up with all of his crap, day in and day out, "standing by him." She was there everytime he needed her and always waiting until he came back.
A week ago he had called her yelling at her playin another one of his pathetic little games because she had stopped by like his house like she said he was and his precious little toy (her, the "other girl") had been there, she sat outside and finally decided to talk to him, she knew it would tick him off but she couldn't take it anymore, she knew the power he had given her and she decied to use it. She threatened to tell him she would tell her if she didn't get what she went, well he made her mad enough the day she called so she did it. She messaged his new toy everything that had happened the past few months between then while he was pretending to be mister perfect to her. She even told her that one of the nights she had stayed the night that she had take the "toy's" toothbrush and proceded to scrub Jakes toliet with it. She was sure she had used it. Yes she knew that was wrong but at the moment she just couldn't help herself. The day she had done that and went and told Margaritte, she actually laughed and Jake and the "toy" had been so awful so she didn't really fell too bad. Needless to say after telling "jay leno" everything Jake pretty much hated her, and this was her goal in telling her, it was the only way he would really leave her alone, or so she had thought.
"What is so important Jake? I really thought you wouldn't be calling me anymore." She barked.
"Well I talked to my dad today. I want you to come over here tonight and take a pregnancy test." He ordered her once again.
Oh my God, was it never going to end, or was it just never going to be normal again. She really was starting to get rid of the roller coaster with him. She just wanted him to come hold her and say how sorry he was and love her like he used to. "Jake if I am I will let you know but Im not coming out there, it's late and Im busy!" she said as confidently as she could she really didn't feel like driving all the way out to Crosby.
"Lauren, you really don't have a choice. Im tired of all of this too, that's why I just want it taken care of tonight, Ashlei is going to give me another chance and I just want to know I can completly move on." He stated.
She was irate, how in the hell could she stay with him after all that, apperently she was just pathetic as she was and she suddelnly realized he might have found someone that might put up with more than she. Had that ever happened in the first month of them being together she never would have stayed with him. Also on that same note she would have never dated a guy that had just ended that serious of a relationship. As far as she thought rebound girl "No thank you!"
She smirked, "Ya ok let me just come over there because you say so, " she didn't want to talk to him anymore to hear that he was trying to go and be good for her that's what he was suppose to do for me she thought, screw it, "no actually, im gonna go and enjoy my night and don't call back, I will call you if there is anything you should be concerned about. However you told me if I ever was you didn't want anything to do with me anyways, NO thank you Jake and goodb...
Jake rushed his reply before she could finish and disconect, " My dad is going to call your parents and state his concern with the issue, so if you aren't going to deal with this with me, you will with them." He knew how much she had disapointed her parents with all her dumb mistakes with him and her life, and he really didn't care anymore what they thought of him.
Crap, maybe he's kidding, "You lie, I know you Jake you lie." What if he wasn't?
He knew what she was thinking, "Im not, this is your one chance, let's just finish this Lauren."
If he was telling the truth she just knew that she didn't want to disapoint her parents again, she had already done that enough and just because she wanted him so bad.
"Fine! Seriously, you play any games at all Im leaving, I really can't take this anymore." she meant it. She really wanted to be done with the games and she knew he wasn't going to be with her. He had used her as much as he wanted and now was nothing more he needed to make sure he left it and not it leaving him. Deep down to him that's what she knew this was all about.
She ran in and told Margaritte and told her she would just see her tomorrow, she knew after leaving there that night she was going to be a mess and didn't want anyone to have to deal with it anymore. Driving over there she just kept thinking about how it was suppose to be. Her phone rang another random number, probably Jake again.
"Hello." She answered politley just incase she was wrong, well she was wrong, but it was worse, it was his toy.
"Ya is this Lauren?"
"Yes who is this?"
"Ashlei."
"Oh?"
"I was just calling to say that I don't understand why you have done this?"
"It took two, and let me just say that Im on my way to see him right now, and im ready for another game for him to tell him everything he wants me to hear so he can keep me around in case you don't work, dude we were together forever and you expect it to just end like that, and he called me. Ya im sorry your hurt, because I know it sucks to be cheated on."
Lauren really didn't remember much of what she said because she really didn't care. She was hurt. It wasn't the girls fault, it was all Jake, didn't matter if she was a toy or not, didn't matter how nice or how rude she was, the girl had never promised her anything. Only Jake, and he broke everything. Why she ever believed him she didn't know.
She pulled up to the Whataburger where they would meet and waited he would be there any second, she had driven so fast trying to calm down. Not the best idea but being on the phone with that girl did definitley not help the situation and now she was even more upset.
She saw that black toyota pull up next to her rental, she had finally calmed herself down but she was irate. He walked over to her door and opened it.
"Let's go to Wal-mart."
"Fine but your buying it." She snapped back to his demand.
He walked her over to her "old seat" on the passenger side, she knew it wasn't hers anymore, no matter how bad she wanted it to be. He opened the door and she climbed in as she just kept wondering how all of this was going to go down. She knew this was going to be the last time. Her mind was made up.
"So how have things been?"
"Small talk? Really Jake?"
He knew she hated it and esspecially from him. She knew he also didn't know what to say because he could tell she was mad enough that almost anything he said would set her off. He knew she was fighting it.
Every second with him she grew more angry with him. For all the hurt she felt, nothing would ever chagne. She hated it. He pulled into a spot and parked.
"Im waiting in the car, your the one that wants this so you can take the walk of shame alone." She barked at him.
"Ok."
He hopped out of the car and sitting there in the passenger seat somthing caught her eye. A picture, for a moment she thought it was him and her. It had been one of their "aniverseries" now that just seemed dumb, but they had taken a picture in a booth with a random "I LOVE YOU" banner and a heart around it she had always thought it was a cheasy background. He was wearing his stupid cowboy hat, she didn't mind that it was dumb because he loved it, and a jacket, and she was in a tank top. They had spent that night just running around hopping on and off the kiddy train when the guy wasn't looking. They had run back in the telling kissing and holding hands. She would watch him play the arcade games while he tried to win her one of those dumb prizes, to her the prize was dumb, the memory was not. Back then all he wanted to do was constantly show her off and please her. She snapped out of her memory to realize one major difference in this picture, it wasn't her, it was the toy. He was wearing everythign the same same banner, but with her! She hopped out of the car grabbed the picture ripped it up and threw it on the floor board of his truck and she started walking back to her car. Jake must have heard the car door slam and knew the sound of the slam enough to know it was her because within seconds he had jerked the car in front of her demanding her to get in.
"What in the hell are you doing?" he demanded?
"Im going to wait in my car, I will meet you there!"
"No your not get in Lauren." he demanded in one of his sweet voice like it was somthing that would protect her if she obeyed. He must have seen the picture and realized that had hurt or he wouldn't be being so nice because she had gotten in the way of somthing he wanted or slowed it down for the moment, but only because she wasn't still sitting in the car like he had wanted her to be.
"Jake," she had calmed down the tone in her voice " I just really need to cool off ok, this sucks, I don't even want to be here, Im hurting. Let me just say really nice picture by the way. I don't know if you put that there on purpose and I don't even know if you know but we had one just like that, not that you care anymore, but dangit really? Just let me walk to my car ok." she pleaded with him.
"Get in the car! I will be right back! We aren't playing these games!" he was angered in not getting the answer he wanted from her and her stuborness with him and she knew it wasn't worth the argument and knew if she just didn't get in the thing would blow even more out of proportion than it had. She did know she wasn't going to be happy about it. he was pissing her off more and more by the minute.
"Fine! Just hurry please! I want to go and get the hell away from you." she stabbed. He parked his car there and got out and again and she waited and shoved the rest of the pictures of the toy in the glove-box. She wondered if he could feel even one inch of the pain she felt if he would stop barking at her and just love her like he used to. She really did whatever he wanted, she did nothing but try and make him happy when they were together they would flirt and laugh and tickle when he would come and spend time with her and not be drunk it would be perfect. Unfortanitley she had slowly become only a small piece of his life and that was the her part. All of his friends were new, he had a new job. It was like he was 19 about to be 40 with all this wisdom that he thought he had. He was so cocky.
Things had definitley changed. There was a day when he wouldn't not have barked at her if she would have wrecked his truck. He used to go around showing her off to everyone. She was his prize. She was amazing really, your all american girl, she loved everyone to the very depth of her soul, and she picked him out of all of those boys chasing after her. He knew he was lucky, but somwhere down the road somthing got in the way.
She remembered sitting at the house with him one night. He was going through her phone and looked at her and grinned his obnoxious grin. She was instantly excited to be getting attention from him. She looked at what he was doing it was a picture of them. He didn't take pictures with him anymore. She wished he did. He had his finger over the delete button and he would do it just to be funny.
"Jake really don't, you don't take pictures with me hardly at all anymore and I love that one." I pleaded
He did it She was so mad she hopped up and stormed off so they wouldn't fight. Before she knew it she was being jerked down to the ground by her hair. He was irate and she didn't know what to do. She tried to pull away and immediatley regreted that. He started swinging her around like a rag doll by her hair she thought her neck was going to break. All she could do was cry the more she fought it the worse it got. He stopped and she scooted over to the corner.
"What in the heck!" she was thinking "Why why why is he doing this, where is my Jake? God where is he I want him back! GOD WHERE ARE YOU! I want my life back, what is this crap!"
Jake sat there for a moment maybe in shock of what he had done or just who even knows. He watched her for a moment. She got up defeated not angry and started to walk away. He grabbed her gently and swept her up off her feet and held her. In her mind for a moment he loved her again. He was her protector again. She always knew if anyone ever tried to hurt her if she was with him, they wouldn't be able to if he got ahold of them. She trusted him with her whole being. Too much.
"Baby Im sorry. I love you so much Im so sorry!" He pleaded with her.
"It's ok I love you too." She laid there still defeated not knowing what was going on, insane with pain, just praying that this moment of peace and love and him being there not go away.
Her thoughts disapeared as the door opened and she quickly wiped her tears before he had a chance to see.
"Im going to watch." He stated. He had a reason to want to she told him back when they broke up six months ago that she had a test say no that he saw and told him she dipped it in water when she saw it just so she could see him again. However this was not that she didn't even want to be here. He was dumb if he didn't know that because she had told "jay leno" everything. She knew there was no point in argueing with that she clearly always lost with him because she was too tired to fight right now. She really just wanted this to all be done.
"Whatever, so Ashlei called my on my way here. I guess she's just as much of a fool as I am." She stabbed hoping the cut down on herself would make him feel like a bigger jerk.
"I don't know, I know im lucky to be getting another chance and Im not going to mess it up." He said sweetly, " Im sorry Lauren."
Ouch she thought, "Why does he have to be like that tonight. Really it wouldnt' matter what he said it would still hurt." Even if he begged her back tonight as much as she wanted to be with him she couldn't tie anything down to him, she would love to give him the chance to prove it though, She just knew she didn't want to leave him tonight like this, no answers, everything had happened so fast. She just felt like leftovers and sloppy second to the world now because she wasn't good enought to fight for but for some reason "Jay leno" was good enough.
"Ok be quiet, so my dad doesn't wake up." He stated
"Oh my God, Jake , you lied."
"Well your here now, hurry up."
There was no point in throwing more of a fit, he had already bought the test now, and she was too tired, he knew it. It didn't matter. Part of her didn't care anymore. It was her last few moments with him. She was going to get some answers.
They sat there and turned the water on other than the rushing water they were now just waiting on her to pee on the stupid stick. She did and they sat there for three minutes both praying for a negative. Him praying so he could move on and be done with her and her praying because she never wanted him to be trapped with her and she wanted someone that wouldn't be so wishy washy with kids. She thought he would make a terrible dad. All he kept mentioning before was if she was she would have no choice but to get an abortion and she couldn't do that she woudnl't be able to live with herself, and she didn't want to fight him either.
He wouldn't let her see the test. He was flirting when he did this, or maybe trying to be nice, but he used to do back when things were good and when he was flirting with anything he would jokingly say "you'll jynx it!"
He sat there holding it from her, he just wanted to see it first.
"Yes!" He whispred as he grabbed her and hugged her. A part of her heart sank this was it he would now be ready to get out of here, she was happy that they wouldn't have this crazy life. She still however wanted him to be her hero again to sweep her off her feet, tell her sorry. Yes he had hurt his new toy, but he hurt me worse. The toy couldn't love him like she had. She loved him, she wished she didn't then this ache would just go away. She grinned at him. They stepped outside and were about to get in his truck and he was going to take her to her car. He stopped and knealed down and started to cry.
"Lauren Im so sorry. I really am." breifly through tears. He stood up and opened her door. She climbed in and began to cry. He got in the car, and she didn't hide it this time. There was no point, they had been best friends, lovers everything, and now they might as well be enemies.
"What's wrong?" he was done crying.
"Jake, Im sorry, doesn't fix it she gets you, that sweet guy that you started to be. Why not me, I mean i really don't get it. I have been there, this isn't just some fling your throwing away here. It hurts, it never goes away, I have no one, no one to distract me from anything, the second I am alone it consumes me. Sometimes I want to be alone so I can actually break down and cry. I lost everything. You were my best friend, one day it's like you just stopped, and then you would show me a little love, just enough to keep me around. You told me everyday no one loved me but you, I believed it, but where are you now? Where Jake, where?" she cried through sobs.
He pulled into Whataburger.
"Come on, let me walk you to your car." he said it like he was taking care of her, she knew he was just getting rid of her, he knew how to handle her. He would leave her completly broken by the time this was done. He was about to be sweet, really sweet, so she would be left feeling like the witch and he was just some big super hero.
He took her to her door opened it up, as he walked around she turned the car on, expecting he was just going to give a hug and be on his way. He opened her door and sat down reached over and pulled her onto his lap. She didn't fight it she wanted it. She wanted him to love her so badly that at any moment that she felt love from him, she could never walk away from it. She knew she still wanted him, he would have to treat her right though, and she knew it couldn't happen over night they would have to start over.
"Jake, I promise you one day you will regret this. I probably shouldn't tell you this, " she was speaking slowly like she was talking to her best friend again and like she knew he was about to quit being dumb, you could tell the hurt was deep she wasn't trying to hide it anymore," I can't be with you right now, but if you ever want to be with me again you need to be done with Ashlei now, do you really want to let everything go with us. If I leave here tonight, this is it. I can't do this anymore Jake it already hurts bad enough without you playing these games with me. If you ask me not to go to Michigan, I will stay her in Texas. I will but only if you are gonna fight for me. Otherwise this is it."
She rested against is chest while she waited for his response. It really didn't matter what he said. She was ready for the no, she knew it would be a no. This had been the most strung out awful break up.
"Lauren I, I love you, I just can't. Me and you have tried. It didn't work."
She smirked, "I tried, you gave up when things got hard, I just don't get whats wrong with me and what makes her so great? Do you love her?"
"No of course I don't?"
It didn't make anysnse for her to see someone fight for someone he didn't love and not for her. He never fought for anything when it got hard though. Jake had never been one of those stand up for what you beleive in thing guys. Lauren had always been easy, any guy would have been lucky to have her. She got along great with everyone and was happy, even when she wasn't happy she was happy for those she loved.
"Lauren I love you, but we are young, and all we know is each other."
She just kept thinking whats so wrong with that.
"Im sorry, I really am."
As he held her the next song on the cd came on. "I told you so" by Carrie Underwood. Jake reached and turned it up.
"Maybe this is how it will be with us one day Lauren maybe your right. I just can't."
Lauren simply stated "Then will be to late."
"I hope not if your right."
She thought how could someone want me for later just not now, leave me to be hurt and all alone, but she knew at that moment, Jake knew she was probably right even though, she didn't know anymore. She was so exhaugsted she felt like she had been run over by a train.
"Lauren I've got to go." he held up his phone, it was Ashlei,
"Ya." He answered.
"Look im talking to her, I will call you when I get home, we need this ok, Ok talk to you later."
Jake reached down and kissed her forhead. Another train just ran over her. It was like he was dead to her. Her best friend, dead, but it almost hurt worse because he was right there in front of her in that moment. The goodbye that was about to happen haunted her. The now didn't matter anymore because it was already done.
"I love you I always will."
"Jake please hold me for one more minute, ok, just do that."
"Ok."
They listened to the rest of the song as tears tracked down her face.
"I love you Lauren, we will still be friends, we will message each other on facebook."
She was going to be moving to Michigan.
That gave her hope for a moment, but then she stopped. She could never just be friends with him, at least not anytime soon. She new that, she agreed but she knew it would only be a matter of time before she would block him.
"Ya ok." She managed a smile.
"I love you, " he whispered in his ear as he squeezed her "you are going to find someone amazing someday."
Another tear streamed down her face. She wanted him to be happy so badly she just had always thought happy included her.
"I love you too." wasl all she could say.
She kissed him on the cheek knowing it would be the last time, but she wanted to.
"Bye Jake."
She didn't look at him as he climbed out. She was aching. This was it. She watched him get in his truck out of the corner of her eye as she slowly reversed. She watched him pull out in her rearview mirror as she headed the other direction, wondering if he was watching her too, it hurt to watch. It felt like watching someone you love die. You couldn't help but watch though. Her entire body ached but she knew that there was nothing she could do. "It is what it is." she thought. Somehow those words didn't help but she beleived if she told herself that enough it would get better. That and lots more. But that was goodbye and still nothing made sense.
Friday, September 24, 2010
There is a hair in my life!
Take it out! Take it out!
Huff ok. Well I just don't know what you want and why do you have to make me feel like the asshole? Grrr I'm trying really hard not to make it work weather you mean to or not....ohh well on lunch think god for Friday this week has been rough but um through it...learned a lot and all came crashing down at once just needed to vent ad here it is. Anyways I'm ready to love again and find the right person and be open to giving someone a chance let me warn you I'm an open book that has little to no filter with my thoughts and frustration so If you don't love listening to the ramblings and non-sense of a woman I'm probably not your gal...jusst saying...i need someone who is interested with my thoughts...you don't like it go home! =] I say this for your own darn good. K i feel better! Now that I've vented some bye now! Mwah!
Huff ok. Well I just don't know what you want and why do you have to make me feel like the asshole? Grrr I'm trying really hard not to make it work weather you mean to or not....ohh well on lunch think god for Friday this week has been rough but um through it...learned a lot and all came crashing down at once just needed to vent ad here it is. Anyways I'm ready to love again and find the right person and be open to giving someone a chance let me warn you I'm an open book that has little to no filter with my thoughts and frustration so If you don't love listening to the ramblings and non-sense of a woman I'm probably not your gal...jusst saying...i need someone who is interested with my thoughts...you don't like it go home! =] I say this for your own darn good. K i feel better! Now that I've vented some bye now! Mwah!
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
im back.
i have been busy and i have missed it!
my best friend and her 2 babies came in oh how i loooovvve them!
my sophie i love this little girl soo much!
and this is baby forst my favorite little man! 
this be magrit! i have never been soooo atatched to little babies before but i really do love them like for real! and their mama is the ish-nit! i love her and sister low-lee is a saint i swear i miss them all so much! hopefully one day they won't be so far away and then i can hang out with them more and it will be SUPER!anyways im really into lilly allen and thats whats playing on my ip-id right now....ohhhh yess and somthing that everyone should try im just saying it cuz im craving it right now super random but i really feel like a mountin dew float...don't knock it before you try it! =]
all new outfit...im wearing the top today with some jeans...but grey leggins my christmas gift from magrit...we had a late christmas lol from victori's secret "PINK" with a new purple top with a grey tank underneath from charlotte russe and some awesome grandma shoes from h&m that i got in chicago...loooovvve..looooove LOOOOVVVE it!
and let me just say i loooove chicago...if i knew the weather would not get cold there i would MOVE there and live there! buuuut oh well i know it does even though if i go to olivete i will be right by it so i might be moving close to there anyways for a bit...either way i want to move to some big city=] i looove the big cities...there is just something magical about them to me! =] i like small towns too but i deff miss the big city-ness!
ok there is what has been going on and i will be blogging blogging like writing and venting again very soon but this is whats been up...and let me just say i was soooo sad when i went home last night and my room was empty i hated it....me and magrit sat up everynight after the babies were asleep talking on top of my steps just talking and venting i seriously miss her she is amazing for real! i have missed her so much and now i miss her and low-lee even more! next trip to texas NEW YEARS!!!
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
this book is just about alll done and has everything i have felt and been inspired by and loved! this book explains me to my very core! i love it!
ok PLEEAAAASSSE look at this...funny stuff man...the dash DON'T BE SILENT!
anyways i am a happy girl due to getting off and saturday and now im working on gettin tuesday off so i can go and take them to the airport...fingers crossed and it will make for a loveley 4 DAY WEEEEKEND...and i will be in heaven...i will have to work next sat if im off tuesday but i don't care because i miss my magrit! right now im wanting a massage really badly! come give me one PLEASE and THANK YOU! "lunch" is in 15 minutes and im ready for a break im going to start reading a book during that time called the shack...hopefully it doesn't suck trust i will let you know...i read a book a while back somthing...ummm i think it was called in the shades of blue...it was a lovely book and i felt like a lot of me related to one of the characters, my mom told me i should read it im assuming she thought i related to her too..lol...anyways i absolutley loooovvved the book until the end because the poor girl that i relate to just ends up being ok but single and alone and she is happy but still have been through soo much and the guy goes back and gets married to another woman even though he put her through hell...someone else gets him now that he is nice and sweet and the book totally teased you and i seriously thought he was gonna come and give her everything she deserved instead she is stuck with a guy that she doesn't feel anything for...STORY OF MY LIFE...lol thanks mom i told her and we laughed about it...hopefully this book isn't like that book or i will be mad because i really don't like to read...so im hopeing for the best! =D anyways im offf!
Monday, August 30, 2010
Men have called me mad; but the question is not yet settled, whether madness is or is not the loftiest intelligence
having one of those nights where i totally can't sleep and wish i could....my brain is going crazy and now im wondering how in the heck im going to function tomorrow. because i am wide awake!trust is a major issue of mine and im insanley confused and torn right now and pissed...ok boys that have girlfriends and want to tell me you care about me ohhh so freakin much and emotionally cheat on her and try to physically well excuse me that this isn't very lady like but you can go choke on a dick, ok thank you...sseecondly...when you are asking someone to do a favor for you...how dare you be rude to them? and thirdly now im done whine-ing and wasting my thoughts on you.
happier things...margaritte forst sophie and lola will all be here in less than a week...still trying to get off on saturday so far no luck at all...it is labor day weekend i don't blame them a darn bit but i have my fingers crossed that someone will want to swap...ok i will do more later =] goodnight
GPS, nearest cliff please =]
OMG, we won't even go there but right now i think it would just make my day =] lol
anyways listening to music and im super excited...my best fraaann from texas and her babies will be here next saturday and i right now am currently working on getting it off so i can go chill in chicago with them...we will see i have my fingers crossed! we will see and it will make my day and ijust might put the cliff on hold...lol...mmk im starving and lunch needs to hurry up! k bye!
Friday, August 27, 2010
hyper happpy right now....
ahhh!!! soo i have 13 minutes and i am on my way home and it is another LOVELY weekend!!! freakin-tastic...i can't wait cuz i have talked to a bunch of cranky mc-crankersons today. and i am just ready to chill and tomorrow i am SLEEEPING IN...don't bother callin me tomorrow...i will calll you when i wake up just a simple text will do or leave vm but im putting my phone in a different room than me and making sure not an inch of sunshine will shine in my room so i sleep AS LONG AS MY BODY needs! and then im taking it easey...tonight im going to have a daddy daughter date and im super excited! wooot wooot! and then next week will be here and if margaritte and lola are coming and bring my babies! eeeeeeeeek! sooo let me just say i can't freakin wait...i miss my magrit! chunk deuces nuckka.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
always play with passion no matter what the game.
helllo GOOOOOD DAY SIR! =D
got waken up at freakin 4:30 this morning...thank you budah! actually i didn't mind it has kind of made my day...long serious conversations make me happy and sometimes its just what i need.
and i haven't felt this much passion and excitment in my life in a long time...actually never this much for myself for my future for everything...even when life is crazy and not where you want it you can find happiness..what i mean by my life not being where i want is basically i still have a lot of goals to acheive and some of them figuring out how and some of them conflict with my other dreams...but at the same time im not really worried how things play out because i know no matter what it will be exactly what i need and want.
ohhhh myyy sadddnesss! this weather SUCKS! let me just tell you winter is around the corner...the only thing pleasant about that is christmas...but i feel the summer coming to an end...i slept with my windows open last night...i woke up this morning FREEEEEZZING because it was so cold out...how sad! i really can't stand being cold...oooooooo-fuuuuuuuu! oh well here we go again...however with the way life has been flying by im sure summer of 2011 will be here before we know it...=]
and the great thing about that summer is that i will be 21! aaazzzzam! so i am dreaming of next summer...and completley curious...where will i be and what will i be doing and what else will i have acheived a year from now...some of my goals:
1.Chicago or Houston
2.100% independance
3. College
4. Car to replace my truck
5. Completley out of debt
6. Learn how to speak spanish
Those are all my big goals...really the car one isn't because that one is almost out of the way but that will save me a TON of money! =]
smaller goals or things i would like to do...
learn how to play the violin, learn the piano [like i mean be amazing at it, i know a little, your basics thats it] to one day own my own coffee shop or flower shop [only if i get married but if thats in my cards i want one started up way before i have kids so then i have my own thing but i can still have as much time with my kids as i want] if i live the single life forever then i want to run my own bussiness for interior design or like wedding planning or somthing fabulous like that...maybe even bigger like the ceo of a company...
a piece of advice that i think people my age don't understand...your name stands for A LOT! you CAN do whatever you want...you have to network your name...network yourself...you never know who you are talking to or meeting...always leave an impression, always soak in everything you can when a successful person is investing time and money into you...find out what they did to get there...use it where EVER you go..you WILL be amazing. and then when you reach your success share that with those that are just as willling to learn as you are...don't just wait for people to take you places...take yourself and climb the ladder of success its not over night...it takes time...it starts small and it will grow[unless you are just born into it, then be smart enough to keep it] anyways ya there is that =D
noooowww! just for fun
check this out you hoeski hoe.
she being Brand
-new;and you
know consequently a
little stiff i was
careful of her and(having
thoroughly oiled the universal
joint tested my gas felt of
her radiator made sure her springs were O.
K.)i went right to it flooded-the-carburetor cranked her
up,slipped the
clutch(and then somehow got into reverse she
kicked what
the hell)next
minute i was back in neutral tried and
again slo-wly;bare,ly nudg. ing(my
lev-er Right-
oh and her gears being in
A 1 shape passed
from low through
second-in-to-high like
greasedlightning)just as we turned the corner of Divinity
avenue i touched the accelerator and give
her the juice,good
(it
was the first ride and believe i we was
happy to see how nice she acted right up to
the last minute coming back down by the Public
Gardens i slammed on
the
internalexpanding
&
externalcontracting
brakes Bothatonce and
brought allofher tremB
-ling
to a:dead.
stand-
;Still)
Edward Estlin Cummings
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
watch your heart when we're together...boys like you love me forever
awwww helll...the choices of life!
im seriously contimplating between texas and chicago...
chicago pros...
i will be around no one i know and meet completley different people...it will make it harder for him and more of a fight so it would be even more clear if this whole thing with "him" is real or just a temporary thing...i would get to meet a whole set of new people...i would get to live the college experience...i will be right by a big city
chicago cons....
it's going to be freezing!! if i mess up there is no one to catch me...really, i know i will mess up im human hoe...umm lets see it will be a challenge but thats actually not a con because i like them my biggest complaint is the cold...oh and im not for sure about the whole job thing yet when i get there
texas pros...
some of my favorite people in the whole world are there such as margaritte and marcus...and him but right now thats almost a con...i would have independance from my family...it would be ohhh sooo warm!! i love the city life i love the hustle and bustle of things and i love the city lights! i have amazing connections as far as a job would and i would be out alll the time =] ohhh and AMAZING MEXICAN FOOD!
texas cons....
i don't know if being that close to him to soon would be a mistake...i don't want somthing to get started up to soon...i still need to see him fight...i would be really far away from my family...until i got married or got further in college i would always be low on money...not broke but just average enough to pay my bills and a little extra
i don't know i have a lot to think about...if anyone can think of anything on my list that i should add or not i think you should tell me and im willing to listen but when it comes down to it its my decision...however my mind i think is already made up...i don't know if i really am just super excited about it...but i just need to get my confirmation that im 100% right that its the right decision...world her i come!
anyways enough with all that babble now for some different ish crap...anyways...today my mind is changed...sometimes he is textin me like crazy and other times he is sooo off...the more off he is the more my mind is made up with my texas chicago choice...chicago is sounding smarter and smarter everyday...i know if i go there it will take longer than i ever wanted it to take for me to go back to texas...i would be ready to go now...but i want to be fought for...i don't think anyone can know how much i was hurt while i was getting over him...and now he is back in my life and i just don't really know...i need to be positive i need him to prove that i could trust him for forever and thats a long time and i have had over a year to put walls up...i want to see him climb and fight for me...i fought long and hard to be like this so someone is gonna have to fight long and hard to have me...im not gonna lie right now i hope its him...but that doesn't mean it won't change...but im stuborn and im diffent and i need a lot...i need someone that fits into my life and talks to me right...that has that happy balance that i have always loved except i have only met 1 person in my life that has balance...everyone else is a freakin trip...that just doesn't fit my personality...i need to be blind-sided and blown away...i need time...i want you to have everything you want and be just as happy so i have to fit in your life just the same...a girl knows if you are not happy and giving things up you don't want to give up...i want someone who is happy with who they are and their happiness fits with mine and they just want to share and make me part of that happiness... i want a freakin fairy-tale im not sayin somthing thats always perfect because i want to argue and then make up too...but what i want isnt' that crazy of an idea... i want somthing full of passion =D i get it what i want or forget it nukka! more later. bye you little hoeskis!
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
made my day...keep making my day! =]
U fell asleep on me...
When you wake up and get this i want you to know i miss you and i htink the world of you. Have a great day at work sweetheart!! Ps I might wake you up before your almarm does muah
all the time thats what i want my only question is will he keep doing it...i really hope so but never the less it made my day it was sweet however i must say i hate being called sweetheart...don't mind it so much from him...anyone else tries to call me baby hun sweetheart or anything im like gag me please...it takes someone time to be able to say that to me not just because you want to but because you mean it i have to know and that doesn't happen over night and you can't over use it....anyways i will prolly blog later...right now im listening to say ahhh and really wanting to get up and dance but im pretty sure some people might look at me like i was crazy if did...ahhh oh well! =] hollla back hoeski!
muah!
When you wake up and get this i want you to know i miss you and i htink the world of you. Have a great day at work sweetheart!! Ps I might wake you up before your almarm does muah
all the time thats what i want my only question is will he keep doing it...i really hope so but never the less it made my day it was sweet however i must say i hate being called sweetheart...don't mind it so much from him...anyone else tries to call me baby hun sweetheart or anything im like gag me please...it takes someone time to be able to say that to me not just because you want to but because you mean it i have to know and that doesn't happen over night and you can't over use it....anyways i will prolly blog later...right now im listening to say ahhh and really wanting to get up and dance but im pretty sure some people might look at me like i was crazy if did...ahhh oh well! =] hollla back hoeski!
muah!
Saturday, August 21, 2010
make it happen son!
Right now some of my thoughts...
You. Ever feel like you have to do something you don't want to do? Well I do right now and it's not what I want...at all. But I'm almost 100% positive I know what and where I will be very soon part of me is excited and another part of me is disgusted because it means I won't be going to Texas when I want and on that same note realativley....someone messes up with me bad they are going to have to fight like he'll to ever stand a chance with me a little charm and a few texts don't cut it try harder or realize it will never happen I'm not just any other girl I'm Lauren arlana freakin hershberger....a prize to be won get it straight you want me in your life the rest of yours prove it and make it happen son!
Goood-freakin-night!!!
You. Ever feel like you have to do something you don't want to do? Well I do right now and it's not what I want...at all. But I'm almost 100% positive I know what and where I will be very soon part of me is excited and another part of me is disgusted because it means I won't be going to Texas when I want and on that same note realativley....someone messes up with me bad they are going to have to fight like he'll to ever stand a chance with me a little charm and a few texts don't cut it try harder or realize it will never happen I'm not just any other girl I'm Lauren arlana freakin hershberger....a prize to be won get it straight you want me in your life the rest of yours prove it and make it happen son!
Goood-freakin-night!!!
Thursday, August 19, 2010
toni frissell
i was reading and article in vogue.
a picture caught my attention...it was take by toni frissell it was first in the magazine back january 1 1939 i found some others i just found them really interesting. there is a story there that i feel like i relate to.
there was a time in my life when i was that girl drowning. however somehow i made it out alive.
a price a woman pays for people destroying you over and over again. it makes you strong though. =] so i thank those people for giving me the tools in my life to be exactly who i needed to be a beautiful strong ass woman!
I am my creativity.
I am my art.
I am love.
I am lauren, lauren arlana freakin hershberger.
Doesn't matter how much i stumble im running at life ready for whatever happens.
a picture caught my attention...it was take by toni frissell it was first in the magazine back january 1 1939 i found some others i just found them really interesting. there is a story there that i feel like i relate to.
there was a time in my life when i was that girl drowning. however somehow i made it out alive.
a price a woman pays for people destroying you over and over again. it makes you strong though. =] so i thank those people for giving me the tools in my life to be exactly who i needed to be a beautiful strong ass woman!
I am my creativity.
I am my art.
I am love.
I am lauren, lauren arlana freakin hershberger.
Doesn't matter how much i stumble im running at life ready for whatever happens.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
i like that i'm someone who is anything but perfect...
welll hellllooo you lovley wonderful people!
had a really good talk with my daddy...i felt like i actually said a lot of what i was feeling about my faith, i have been confused. i know there is a god i just don't feel anything but i guess its not about feeling. but i don't know God...its not as simple as they say...im a different person...God forgives and expects us to mess up. idk...anyways still figuring out how to find him and it be MY thing and not anyone elses choice. I believe in him...but i don't know him. i want to, i don't know how and its not that simple not when you have heard it your whole life.
right now i just want to live. be me. and people love me for me. people already do but i think that i have a different view of life then most of the people im around. i am lauren arlana freakin hershberger...and don't you forget it hoeski =]
i loooovvve who i am. i looooovvvve where im going. and i don't know where that is.
do everythihng in LOVE.
the end.
had a really good talk with my daddy...i felt like i actually said a lot of what i was feeling about my faith, i have been confused. i know there is a god i just don't feel anything but i guess its not about feeling. but i don't know God...its not as simple as they say...im a different person...God forgives and expects us to mess up. idk...anyways still figuring out how to find him and it be MY thing and not anyone elses choice. I believe in him...but i don't know him. i want to, i don't know how and its not that simple not when you have heard it your whole life.
right now i just want to live. be me. and people love me for me. people already do but i think that i have a different view of life then most of the people im around. i am lauren arlana freakin hershberger...and don't you forget it hoeski =]
i loooovvve who i am. i looooovvvve where im going. and i don't know where that is.
do everythihng in LOVE.
the end.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano
welll helllo world, im back in michigan and missing texas like crazy! texas feels like home and i swear on my life i will be moving back...my goal: 1 year =]
Sometimes i just feel like there are things i need to do and i feel like its time i live on my on, and i mean on on my own. I have been thinking about a lot recently as far as who i am go. Going to houston i felt more like myself than i have in a long time. I didn't have to try to please anyone, I just did. It was like that when i was there too. Before i wasn't strong and confident though because of a lot of things but now I am...I am who i am...if you don't like it well then too darn back because i don't really care if you like me or don't this is who I am! I freakin love me! If you knew how long it had been since I have felt that you would understand. i think maybe the last time i felt this way was when i was 15 or 16 and those are the only years that i EVER felt that until now. of course when i was little i was happy, but i was too young to know anything.
I am ready to keep on whatever this is what im doing. People way not agree and people may not like it but i don't care. this is my life and im not living it for anyone else. In most of what i do i spend trying to please people...i love making people happy but when your taken so much from i think every once in a while i need to spoil me and im going too! You might think im too young but guess what ya I will struggle im sure of it...and its probably gonna be another hard life lesson i get to learn but honestly thats how i like to learn my lessons they stick and i can help someone someday...i can relate to people and i love...i can feel empathy...sometimes it sucks but its the only way i know how to love...i feel...i want to feel...any relationship i have i need to feel! its a need of mine. maybe thats wrong but if i don't feel somthing i can't pretend i can...and i can't dig for feelings for forever when there is nothing there and i can't ignore feelings that go deep...maybe im wrong and stupid for that but guess what again I don't care =] Im happy and thats all that matters...
I also want to tell you this too just because i struggle does not mean that i won't be successful the people that have gone farther in life most of them the amazing ones they struggle...im going to be all that i want to be and maybe even more.
Now I know we said things, did things that we didn't mean
And we fall back into the same patterns, same routine
But your temper's just as bad as mine is
You're the same as me
When it comes to love you're just as blinded
Baby, please come back
It wasn't you, baby it was me
Maybe our relationship isn't as crazy as it seems
Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano
All I know is I love you too much to walk away though
Come inside, pick up your bags off the sidewalk
Don't you hear sincerity in my voice when I talk
Told you this is my fault
Look me in the eyeball
Next time I'm pissed I'll aim my fist at the drywall
Next time, there won't be no next time
I apologize even though I know it's lies
I'm tired of the games
I just want her back
I know I'm a liar
If she ever tries to f*cking leave again
I'mma tie her to the bed and set the house on fire
Sometimes i just feel like there are things i need to do and i feel like its time i live on my on, and i mean on on my own. I have been thinking about a lot recently as far as who i am go. Going to houston i felt more like myself than i have in a long time. I didn't have to try to please anyone, I just did. It was like that when i was there too. Before i wasn't strong and confident though because of a lot of things but now I am...I am who i am...if you don't like it well then too darn back because i don't really care if you like me or don't this is who I am! I freakin love me! If you knew how long it had been since I have felt that you would understand. i think maybe the last time i felt this way was when i was 15 or 16 and those are the only years that i EVER felt that until now. of course when i was little i was happy, but i was too young to know anything.
I am ready to keep on whatever this is what im doing. People way not agree and people may not like it but i don't care. this is my life and im not living it for anyone else. In most of what i do i spend trying to please people...i love making people happy but when your taken so much from i think every once in a while i need to spoil me and im going too! You might think im too young but guess what ya I will struggle im sure of it...and its probably gonna be another hard life lesson i get to learn but honestly thats how i like to learn my lessons they stick and i can help someone someday...i can relate to people and i love...i can feel empathy...sometimes it sucks but its the only way i know how to love...i feel...i want to feel...any relationship i have i need to feel! its a need of mine. maybe thats wrong but if i don't feel somthing i can't pretend i can...and i can't dig for feelings for forever when there is nothing there and i can't ignore feelings that go deep...maybe im wrong and stupid for that but guess what again I don't care =] Im happy and thats all that matters...
I also want to tell you this too just because i struggle does not mean that i won't be successful the people that have gone farther in life most of them the amazing ones they struggle...im going to be all that i want to be and maybe even more.
Now I know we said things, did things that we didn't mean
And we fall back into the same patterns, same routine
But your temper's just as bad as mine is
You're the same as me
When it comes to love you're just as blinded
Baby, please come back
It wasn't you, baby it was me
Maybe our relationship isn't as crazy as it seems
Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano
All I know is I love you too much to walk away though
Come inside, pick up your bags off the sidewalk
Don't you hear sincerity in my voice when I talk
Told you this is my fault
Look me in the eyeball
Next time I'm pissed I'll aim my fist at the drywall
Next time, there won't be no next time
I apologize even though I know it's lies
I'm tired of the games
I just want her back
I know I'm a liar
If she ever tries to f*cking leave again
I'mma tie her to the bed and set the house on fire
Monday, August 16, 2010
awwww hellll....
Scared as hell! I believe you. I didn't want to but I do. Actions speak louder than words. Please prove to me you meant it now =] Im fine with waiting there is not another guy alive that can make me feel like you do. You already know i don't even have to say a darn thing. Thats all to you now.
Ok so does life really give people a 2nd chance like this...why? omg...im soo mind boggled right now. Im also ready for you to change your mind because this is crazy...i always kinda liked crazy though =] lol i can't help it...the easy part is over now. we will see what happens. ok and i really dont' feel like typing right now so i will add more later...but here is this for now hookers! love ya! k bye.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
to jump or not to jump?
i have been writing blogs for the past 3 days now...huge blogs that i can't post because i don't truley know what i think...my mind is going crazy...and i don't know what to think yet so until then they will stay in my drafts and maybe never even known to you...im completley mind boggled right now i feel like im about to go jump off a builing with a parachute and just hope that the building is high enough...should i jump...it could be the most exciting ride of my life if its high enough if its not...it will probably be the death of me.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Thursday, July 29, 2010
texas! eeeeek!
we'll take control of the world like its all we have to hold onto, and we'll be a dream...
we'll be a dream is my favorite song right now...EVER EVER EVER...until i find the next one...
dear texas i will be there in a week and 2 days eeek! =D
I am sooooo excited! my trip is going to be very interesting and the past few days have been interesting blow my mind...that's all im gonna say.=D???? ohhh boy.
we'll be a dream is my favorite song right now...EVER EVER EVER...until i find the next one...
dear texas i will be there in a week and 2 days eeek! =D
I am sooooo excited! my trip is going to be very interesting and the past few days have been interesting blow my mind...that's all im gonna say.=D???? ohhh boy.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
=D some good advice from mister dr.seuss
"Be who are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." Dr. Seuss
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