i run my life...or is it runnin me? i run from my past, i run to fast, or to slow it seems.

so much has been going on recently...mostly i just continue to hurt any boy that walked into my life because...i don't know...im complicated...probably the most complicated woman you could ever meet...

someone told me i needed to almost be blindsided to ever stick with a guy...in a way they are right...there is a balance that i expect...most guys will stop flirting with you once they have you...or think that they "have you" i need to constantly be flirted with and i feeling of constantly being chased after...even if im yours pursue me...anyways right now i need to be single but that is somthing that i want.....but ya

anyways looks like i will being going to houston august 7-14..i am WAY excited...haven't seen some of my favorite people in over a year...and it will be good for me to go and get away from this lovely mess i have left here...or the people i have hurt...it will be amazing and i will get GOOOOOD mexican food! and for that i am most excited...Don'keys is one of my first stops on my list...but ya...anyways...until then...im just trying to figure life out. just simply living and loving as much as i can...

staring at the mess i've made

you have never met a girl that was so flip floppy with her decisions....i do what i want..i mess up daily...im stuck and most would say i don't care. im hanging on to life by a thread. all i know are all the lies...they became a part of me...i didn't mean for them to...sometimes i wonder how i got here...

don't get me wrong im a happy girl...it doesn't matter the world will know i am...but sometimes im just don't understand...how could some of the things that happened, happen to me...and when will i overcome all of this...im fighting and im losing, im hanging on with everything i have right now and nothing seems to be enough, i can't focus on anything but this is what is here in my life and its staring me in the face...

everything that he said to me...i remember it all i don't want to believe it but deep down i do..."you will never find anyone like me that has everything i do"

"we will be together one day, just not now" story of my life...i know how to accept the guys that throw me around and treat me like dirt...i don't know how to act or respond to a guy that treats me nice...even when a guy that treated me like dirt changes...my instinct is to run...run fast run far...to protect them from this horrible person i am...i will hurt them and change them...that i believe with all my heart...i believe that there is not one man alive that could handle me...not one person alive that could handle me...im thankful for the people that stick around in my life so far and i feel like i owe them the world...and yet those are the ones i continue to disapoint daily with all of my decisions yet they love me...my mom, my dad...i have hurt my dad more than anyone in this world and i suck for it...jen tracy and margaritte...they alll watch it and tell me but i don't listen...im so stuck on i know...its not that i feel that i know...its that i don't know what else to do...its irrisistable it pulls and eats at me...it lies to me it loves me...but i don't know love...i have never known love so im stuck in this pit and continue to fall and hurt every boy/ man i meet...ever since you...you ruined me...i ruined me..i feel like im suffocating and everyday of my life i wake up on my back disgusted with myself that i can't just respect myself...i know its wrong so why do i do it...my brain is going crazy...

someone told me i unknowingly made a pact with the devil that i was all those horrible things that you said and i started to tell myself i was...and now i have this plastic shield around me i know and i can see truth i've heard it a million times but it doesn't matter...i watch it slide off me just like water...i don't know how to tear this down...how to stop hurting people...im trying and im fighting and im losing...

i need jesus and i can't find him anywhere right now...and that is my fault but i don't know how to stop and let go...its just not that simple...i wish it were

.....

They waited patiently, soundless whispers withhold the fear of speach. less the noise predominates the hope of another word. The telepathic connection when their eyes meet, presents want from the two. To act on these feelings is a sin, and a weakness to some. the actions of this lust Damns the couple for eterity. when the bond of this heartship is broken, the fire kindled scorches what was left of their love.