staring at the mess i've made

you have never met a girl that was so flip floppy with her decisions....i do what i want..i mess up daily...im stuck and most would say i don't care. im hanging on to life by a thread. all i know are all the lies...they became a part of me...i didn't mean for them to...sometimes i wonder how i got here...

don't get me wrong im a happy girl...it doesn't matter the world will know i am...but sometimes im just don't understand...how could some of the things that happened, happen to me...and when will i overcome all of this...im fighting and im losing, im hanging on with everything i have right now and nothing seems to be enough, i can't focus on anything but this is what is here in my life and its staring me in the face...

everything that he said to me...i remember it all i don't want to believe it but deep down i do..."you will never find anyone like me that has everything i do"

"we will be together one day, just not now" story of my life...i know how to accept the guys that throw me around and treat me like dirt...i don't know how to act or respond to a guy that treats me nice...even when a guy that treated me like dirt changes...my instinct is to run...run fast run far...to protect them from this horrible person i am...i will hurt them and change them...that i believe with all my heart...i believe that there is not one man alive that could handle me...not one person alive that could handle me...im thankful for the people that stick around in my life so far and i feel like i owe them the world...and yet those are the ones i continue to disapoint daily with all of my decisions yet they love me...my mom, my dad...i have hurt my dad more than anyone in this world and i suck for it...jen tracy and margaritte...they alll watch it and tell me but i don't listen...im so stuck on i know...its not that i feel that i know...its that i don't know what else to do...its irrisistable it pulls and eats at me...it lies to me it loves me...but i don't know love...i have never known love so im stuck in this pit and continue to fall and hurt every boy/ man i meet...ever since you...you ruined me...i ruined me..i feel like im suffocating and everyday of my life i wake up on my back disgusted with myself that i can't just respect myself...i know its wrong so why do i do it...my brain is going crazy...

someone told me i unknowingly made a pact with the devil that i was all those horrible things that you said and i started to tell myself i was...and now i have this plastic shield around me i know and i can see truth i've heard it a million times but it doesn't matter...i watch it slide off me just like water...i don't know how to tear this down...how to stop hurting people...im trying and im fighting and im losing...

i need jesus and i can't find him anywhere right now...and that is my fault but i don't know how to stop and let go...its just not that simple...i wish it were